(a closet drama)
Act 47, Scene I
1314, East Liverpool, Ohio
The story so far- Juan de Mole, last Grand Master of the crusading order, The Knights of St. Steve, the Refrigerator Repairman, has suffered many years of agonizing imprisonment after the dissolution of his order by the King of Steubenville, Phillip the One Leg Slightly Longer Than the Other. He has been subjected to the most debasing tortures, such as having testicle clamps erroneously attached to his earlobes, earning him the sobriquet amongst his compatriots, 'Earballs'. He is now hauled before the Holy Inquisition to hear one last time whether he will confess to the list of heinous charges against him, among them, cavorting with known badgers and crossing the street on three legs.
Junior Lord High Inquisitor: (approaching, most vexed with a bulbous vessel) Juan de Mole, we would fain spare thy life, but our decrees have the viscosity of lemon sherbet. My patience wears thin, de Mole, and you will find its end most tiresome. So for the last time, will you not confess to the list of charges against you?
Juan de Mole: Before I answer, Junior Lord High Inquisitor, I will pass water in your vessel. (passes water)
JLHI: (with mounting fury) De Mole, your arrogance stirs regions of my groin that have hitherto remained blissfully undisturbed! There is no help for one so impertinent! One so foul of sense! So unbeleaguered by notions of the hammered dulcimer.
JdM (with a calm nonchalance reminiscent of a young Clark Gable) My regard for your opinions, sir, has the weight of a bulimic gnat and with a third as much consequence.
JLHI: (face turning red, steam emerging from ears. sound cue: steam whistle) Why you villain... you moldy-brained troglodyte... you mandolin player... you pinch-eared dog... sock-avoiding know-nothing... misguided pollster... you hollyhock... you side of charred bark... how dare you?
JdM: (with the demur je ne sais quoi of a Lana Turner, age 40) Why really, I've never heard such things. I'm quite scandalized.
JLHI: (metamorphosing into an enraged orangutan, mandibular canines bared. sound cue: whistle from a standard class 9F steam locomotive) Impudent wretch! Toy with my feelings will you? Well, I'll show you, my fine fellow, oh yes I will! Now then... (removes mask to reveal face of California Governor Ronald Reagan, age 56. sound cue: chirp of a spot-winged tit)
JdM: What ho then! (reaches into secret breast pocket, pulls out gun with grappling iron, fires gun, escapes through roof with pyrotechnics)
(exeunt Junior Lord High Inquisitor, Very High Sergeant With Twenty Arms, various Stewards and Flight Attendants and 45 Degrees Almonating Preceptor. sound cue: Hail Britannia in full chorus.)